Some of us live our life through comparisons.
We are happy not because we value what we have. We are happy only because what we have is better than what someone else has. Likewise, we feel upset not because what we have is not okay but only because it does not measure up to what someone else has. For such people, nothing in absolute terms is good enough.
Such people are rarely happy. Even if they are, their happiness is transitory and fleeting for the following reasons:
- They compare with several people. While some of them could be in an exclusive race with a sibling to prove a point, most people are in a race with several people at the same time.
- They are comparing several parts of their life with others. If people chose just one area of their life and ran a race with others, it would still be okay but such people are comparing many areas of their life with many people. This approach requires nothing short of an algorithm in the head.
- They are always scanning and comparing. This is a feverish activity and can be quite stressful. They are always assessing the net worth of others and placing them in their own rating category like a Moody’s. You can probably spot it when such people enter your home. Like a bar-code scanner they are evaluating everything around and checking if there is any change from the time they last visited you and if there is, how does that impact your rating in their database.
People who are always comparing, desperately seek information. They ask you leading questions. They would like to know if you bought the new car on instalments or was it cash down. The response to this question feeds their algorithm and readjusts your rating in their database.
In some situations, they could verify your responses by questioning others. In extreme cases, if they are not happy with your response or if your response is not forthcoming, they could even play Sherlock Holmes and check with the car dealer or your bank to get the information. Their algorithm desperately needs data.
They can get very upset when they, unexpectedly, see symbols of prosperity in others beyond what their rating system allows. They are ‘relieved’ when they see problems in others’ lives.
In some of the extreme cases, for them to be happy, they want to do well and want you to do poorly, both at the same time.
When we compare with others and feel upset, we are neither valuing what we have nor are we valuing what others have. In effect, we value nothing. Going through life valuing nothing at all can be a long and tiring journey.
Living a life by comparing with others could be a worthy trait or a disease. If by comparing with someone higher than you inspires you and you wish to emulate the person, it is a worthy trait. However, if seeing someone at a higher ‘position’ upsets you and makes you jealous, it is a disease.
If you see someone lower than yourself and that evokes empathy and compassion for the other person in you, it is a worthy trait. However, if you see someone at a lower ‘position’ than yourself and that makes you rub your hands in glee, it is a disease.
Only you will know what you feel in those situations.
Do I believe there is enough in this world for all of us to be happy?
Absolutely, yes! Relatively, no!
Coming up: available exclusively for my subscribers – an hour of free one-on-one coaching over Skype/phone (based on their request). I am a specialized Coach working with corporates and social sector organizations. In addition to Executive Coaching, I specialize in Life coaching in areas such as self belief, assertiveness, identifying one’s strengths, developing one’s potential, following your heart, finding happiness in life, setting and achieving goals including Life goals, effectively managing a career including career-related challenges, navigating relationships, effective parenting, mid-career and mid-life transitions, leadership competencies including self leadership and people leadership. I also support corporate professionals wanting to transition into the social sector.
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