Insights

What Christopher Columbus taught me

April 5, 2018

I have never met Christopher Columbus in my lifetime but I gather that he was an explorer who sailed the seas in search of a new route and when he touched land, he imagined it to be India while it was America.

Without splitting hair on my pedestrian knowledge of the subject, Columbus’ motives or his ship’s instrumentation panel, the voyage demonstrates risk-taking, a spirit to explore the unknown, willingness to accept eventualities and confidence to deal with them, faith in the elements and an abundance of hope and optimism for the morrows.

Having been married for 29 years now, I do feel like Columbus. Like most married couples and unlike Columbus, we had no compass, however inaccurate, in hand. We had no idea of where we were sailing to and what the destination was. For that matter, even after so many years, I am not sure if we know of the destination, or if, indeed, there ought to be a predetermined destination at all.

I am not a marriage counselor but when I look all around me and see so many marriages break, I wonder if we are fast losing the Columbus spirit.

Marriage is a risk, rather, a gamble. Two adults with their unique wiring, cultivated habits, likes, dislikes and Value systems are expected to live together in peace and procreate. Assuming that the conditions leading up to the marriage were pleasant, in the initial period of ‘probation’, all kinds of pressures are exerted by the families on the hapless couple. Not all the family members are reasonable and in many situations they don’t care – a power struggle is on. These are testing times for any marriage.

Around this time, the couple is also trying (assuming they are) to understand each other. For probably a year or so, only differences meet the eye. It could be anything – partying, style, spirituality, friendships. If even one of them is looking for a clone it signifies the beginning of an end. Another power struggle stemming from insecurity is at play. Couples that have the willingness to appreciate differences in the other person and accept eventualities as they come up, pass the test. Couples who accept that they are two different species of flowers making the bouquet and not necessarily two roses of the same orangish-pink shade make the grade. For the rest, cracks appear in the marriage and soon, encouraged by eager ‘we-should-have-nothing-to-do-with-them’ family members, it is time to meet the lawyer.

As words, tolerance and intolerance are quite popular today. I use the word tolerance carefully to mean ‘individual sacrifice for common good’. To me, the word has no gender predisposition. It applies equally to both partners. I see a general drop in the ‘tolerance threshold’ being another cause for the break-ups. Of course, where does tolerance end and where ‘resignation to fate’ begins is based on an individual’s wisdom in that circumstance. I am never for anyone tolerating cruelty or abuse of any kind. The drop in the tolerance threshold also signifies a new confidence in the generation and a backlash coming after years of suppression, not to mention financial independence and ‘trigger-happy’ elders.

A successful marriage moves from dependence to independence to interdependence. Given the financial status of both partners, today’s marriage begins with independence and often stays there forever or breaks up sooner or later.

For the affluent, it is almost like your car versus my car or your EMI versus my EMI – another power struggle. As long as the marriage is in the ‘independence’ parking lot, the need for a long-term association is not seen. The relationship could be cordial but the mind-melting is yet to happen. It is only incidental that two ‘acquaintances’ are living under one roof. For the marriage to last, the cross over to interdependence is critical. As the marriage matures, partners find more and more reasons to be interdependent and are happy to be so.

Interdependence can be akin to friendship, where two joint venture partners play on each other’s strengths, are happy contributing to each other’s success, savor each other’s victories and add to each other’s power base.

Joint venture needs conversation as a fuel. However, with discussions between today’s couples reduced to only exchanging status updates, co-dreaming takes a backseat and gradually the partners are looking at the world through two different windows, often in two different directions.

Apart from the usual marriage mantras such as trust which cannot be emphasized enough, optimism, faith and hope are essential for any marriage to succeed. These are perspectives through which people view the world. Nowadays, imagining that tomorrow will be better than today needs courage, which I am sure Columbus had in good supply when he embarked on his voyage.

Those who advocate love marriages believe that a long courtship increases the probability of success in a marriage. Those who take the arranged marriage route believe that horoscopes, discreet enquiries and an elaborate system of rituals leading up to the sacred fire guarantee success. In my opinion, nothing can guarantee success. Each marriage is custom-built in which each couple creates its joint destiny, consigning their individual ‘I-am-better-than-you’ egos to the symbolic sacred fire to begin a new voyage of mutual appreciation.

Some ships sail in the right direction enjoying the sights and sounds, dropping anchor at ports of their choice only to refuel and resume their voyage but some capsize mid-way unable to survive the storms of ego, differences, expectations and misplaced notions of preserving individual independence.

It is said that marriages are made in heaven. I believe a heaven can be made in a marriage.

Just ask Columbus for the rules.

Don’t miss out on my e-book, ’31 Ways to Reclaim Your Happiness’ releasing this month. To get your free copy, subscribe to my newsletter. Please enter your details below and sign up:

You Might Also Like

  • A. Vaidhyanathan. says:

    It is true that over the long association lasting 29years the couple would have surely discovered each others weaknesses and strengths. Biggest strength for both of you is your only son Siddharth, who got accreditation from the University which guided him, step by step in the making of his first publication which is now published. We can encourage our ward to sail into the ocean of opportunities and encourage him to fix his vision on the distant horizon if Life. It is said that one may walk fast, while walking alone but the aim in life is not merely walking fast but also to walk far and only with this objective there arises need for a partner. Since you have already authored a book titled 31 ways to be happy in life, you need no tutoring as to how you could become an integrating factor to enable your son to tread the path to success and happiness. His age is right in pursuing infinity (00) & since you yourself will pass 70yrs in this decade both of you need to prepare for that. era when your focus on life will not be able to doubling the principal invested, instead to be conscious of ageing when we look out for a walking stick or some pillar to lean upon. This is the time when we rekindle our spirituality within and the path that we chose then is to discover that unique zero within us, which will surely lead you to attain Nirvana when you are looking for happiness both in success and otherwise. I wish that you would ever keep alive your inclination to put your thoughts in words and also afford an opportunity to share their thoughts also. Amen. 6/4/2018.

  • Ashwini Govind says:

    Brilliant! Just brilliant:)
    Thinking now… About relationships!

  • >
    %d bloggers like this: