How these 6 steps can build self-confidence

Often in my work, I come across people who lack self-confidence.

Baggage of the past

Many feel they are not good enough or smart enough like others around them. It could have happened because while they were growing up, no one spoke to them about what they were good at. Only faults were pointed out. They were unfairly compared with their peers in the family or in the neighborhood. In most cases, it is the family that has been indulging in this unfair comparison. It was done for the child’s ‘good’ – so they would say.

Often, when people have been raised in their childhood strictly based on obedience but suddenly find themselves in circumstances when they are expected to express an opinion or make a recommendation, they perceive a larger-than-life risk. Fear engulfs them and their self-confidence drops.

Change in circumstances

In some cases, people lack self-confidence when their context changes dramatically. For instance, moving from a small village to a big city, from a sleepy town to a bustling metropolis, from working in a small proprietary concern to a role in a large multinational corporation, from a humble beginning to a role hobnobbing with the global elite – these drastic changes in circumstances could also lead to a drop in self-confidence.

Sometimes a sudden job loss and being unsuccessful in subsequent interviews could lead to a feeling of rejection causing a drop in self-confidence.

Whatever may be the genesis, a lack of self-confidence shows up in various ways at work.

People who are not self-confident are likely to look around for instructions from others – it is always safe to follow someone else’s instructions. For them, it cuts down the perceived risk. They may be willing to discuss an issue but when it comes to negotiating for something specific, they could develop cold feet and withdraw. They could appear very tentative. Many of such people could stay in the discussion-mode for ever and not take a decision. Just as they reach the point of likely making a decision, they could make a U-turn and go back to their discussions.

It is quite another matter that there is always some demand for such people. Authoritarian leaders love such people because while they are bulldozing everything in sight, such people can hardly be seen. Insecure leaders adore them because insecurity is also a manifestation of low self-confidence and it perfectly suits such leaders to surround themselves with under-confident people.

Across my career spanning over three decades, I have worked with many people who lacked self-confidence. I have also seen that, with appropriate coaching support, some of these people grow into fine and effective professionals with that compelling surge of self-confidence.

6 steps to build confidence in people

To build confidence in such people, based on my experience, I recommend the following 6 steps:

1. Build trust: Chances are that no one significant has ever reposed trust in them to be able to do a great job. It is important to work with such people and build trust over time.
2. Work together with them to identify their strengths and their ‘destination’: At work, I used to conduct ‘Spark & Lighthouse’ sessions in a one-on-one setting. The idea is to have detailed discussions with them, co-discover their strengths and leverage those strengths to take them to a future career destination. Wherever possible, I would align their job role to their strengths.
3. Use the Delegation Model effectively: When I facilitate sessions on delegation, to explain the Delegation Model, I use the analogy of teaching a child to cycle. As a manager, we must know when to hold the bicycle, when to run with the ‘child’ and when to let go. When the ‘child’ is likely losing balance, grab the bicycle again to help stabilize. With practice, the ‘child’ learns to balance the bicycle on his own. Likewise, be available to coach such people to build their confidence. Once you see them gain confidence, let go but remain watchful until the person is able to manage the task independently.
4. Help them connect the dots of good performance: When under-confident people do a good job, they may consider it to be a divine coincidence or they might attribute the good performance unreasonably to people or elements around them. For instance, they could exaggerate their manager’s contribution that led to their success. This is because they feel almost guilty when good feedback is given to them. They are not used to it. As a manager, help them connect the dots of their good performance so that they can spot a trend. Give them lots of positive feedback.  This leads to the next point.
5. Train them to accept compliments with grace: Under-confident people will find it difficult to accept compliments. My Quote #30 says, ‘Don’t resist. Don’t cringe. Don’t deflect. Accept compliments with grace.’ We have to almost run a coaching session for them to accept compliments without feeling guilty.
6. Help them become experts: Work with them to develop pride in what they do. Once they become great performers, help them become highly demanded experts within the organization. When they are in demand, they are likely to experience a surge in their self-confidence.

How soon do you give up?

Today, there are millions of people struggling with their self-confidence. Some of them are working with managers who are already distracted and have no time to focus on them. Such managers, when they find such lack of self-confidence in their people, normally run to the Human Resources Department to report a crisis and ask for a replacement. Many of the underconfident people hide in the organization’s woodwork, away from light.

In my view, a period of underconfidence could happen to any one of us at some point or the other in our lives.

If we have the patience to work with such people and turn them around, there is no better feeling of fulfillment as a manager.

As I often point out to People Managers during my coaching assignments, one of the critical ways to know if you are a poor People Manager is: when it comes to coaching, how soon do you give up?

 

As a coach, I do get to work with people who are underconfident. I use a variety of tools such as the Victory List to re-affirm the confidence in them and to let them know that their successes thus far have not happened as a coincidence. Being always subjected to ‘negative’ feedback, it can get to people. My role is to help them find their balance.

Self-confidence has an impact on all areas of your life. Interested in being coached? Do reach out to me at [email protected].

Reclaim your power.