Here is yet another anecdote from my Coaching archives. This one is on the impact of ‘parental control’ on an adult.
I was coaching Deepika (name changed), a professional in the industry.
Deepika had approached me to sort out some life matters that were also having an impact on her career and on how she viewed her future.
As we got talking, I realized that while she was highly qualified – with 2 professional qualifications – she didn’t think it was such a big deal. Somewhere in the conversation, I felt that her lack of pride could not be attributed to her humility. It came from a not-so-healthy opinion of herself.
Over the various coaching sessions, I learned that Deepika attributed this situation to her father.
I-am-right could also mean that you-are-wrong
Her father was a self-made man. He had risen to the top by sheer hard work. The issue was that he was an overbearing man with a ‘my-way-is-the-only-way’ approach. He operated with a view that he was ‘always right’.
The issue with the ‘I am right’ approach is that every time we feel that way, the other person holding a different view turns out to be wrong. This means that whenever someone says (or feels), ‘I am right!’, he is also saying (or feeling), ‘You are wrong!’ though he may not say it in so many words.
Such an approach does not allow different viewpoints to coexist. In Deepika’s case, there was not much scope for her to lead her life the way she wanted to. Her father ‘knew’ what was good for her.
Read my post here on Why Pain is Necessary.
My Quote #131 says, ‘When parents do things for the child’s ‘good’, it does not necessarily work that way.’
For an adult, parental control can be stifling
We all know that a child is not born with an instruction manual.
As parents, we raise our children the way we deem fit. Parental control is certainly advised for children. However, beyond a point, as the child grows up, parental control needs to be appropriately withdrawn.
The technology of Life is constantly evolving and now evolving faster than ever. It is important for a parent to know when to step back.
My Quote #203 says, ‘Don’t insist that your children use your life technology. It is obsolete.’
From a coaching standpoint, I was helping Deepika ‘find her feet’ based on what she had been wanting to do all along. It was also important for her to locate her pride and for her to understand that her accomplishments were a result of her own agency.
Through a series of discussions and custom-built exercises, Deepika seems to have found her highway. Now she is in the process of setting up milestones on the way to her destination. By the way, her new highway is also dotted with spots that are dedicated to her passion – singing, and writing, which, in her father’s opinion, would have constituted a ‘waste of time’.
My Quote #43 says, ‘We live our life based on our worldview. Our children live their lives based on their worldview. The two worldviews are obviously not the same. This is important to remember.’
What about you? Are you battling with things that are stopping you from reaching your potential? With an independent perspective and 100% confidentiality, the coaching process can be of great help. Do write to me at [email protected].